


Hide behind the stars

by Ischa



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-03
Updated: 2011-07-03
Packaged: 2017-10-20 23:59:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/218554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ischa/pseuds/Ischa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim is trying to deal with his second childhood in fast forward.<br/><i>Sometimes he pauses what he’s doing and looks at Spock, his hands. He wants to ask why he wasn’t allowed to hold his hand.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Hide behind the stars

**Title:** Hide behind the stars  
 **Pairing:** Kirk gen  
 **Rating:** PG-13  
 **Summary:** Jim is trying to deal with his second childhood in fast forward.  
 _Sometimes he pauses what he’s doing and looks at Spock, his hands. He wants to ask why he wasn’t allowed to hold his hand._  
 **Warning(s):** none  
 **Author’s Notes:**  Sequel to [When the moon was made of cheese](http://archiveofourown.org/works/218549). You should really read that one first.  
 **Word Count:** 618  
  **Beta:** asm_z    
  **Disclaimer:** Don’t know, don’t own, not real

\--+--  
A fact of life – Jim’s is a good liar. He is in fact an excellent liar. Even his mom couldn’t tell when he was lying, but maybe it was because she never was there in the first place. She didn’t know him.  
Sometimes it seems like no one does. He doesn’t dwell on it, it wouldn’t do anyone any good.  
Bones sometimes gives him these looks. Bones, Jim knows, suspects something. Jim throws a grin in his direction and Bones rolls his eyes and that’s how things work between them. Mostly.  
Jim doesn’t think about all the things that happened to him too much, or too deeply. He wishes he didn’t know, but you can’t undo something like that – except maybe erasing these memories and the only way to do that would be to tell Spock and let him in. Into his mind, all these memories and feelings that feel like a lifetime. Bright and in colour and sound. Jim doesn’t think that would be a good idea. Not at all. The memories are like a movie. With only the barest feelings attached to them. He can shake them off. He does on a regular basis.

~+~  
“I liked that one when I was a kid,” he says thumbing through the book and Bones gives him a look.  
“Don’t look so shocked, as if you didn’t know,” he adds and rolls his eyes.

“How much do you remember?” Bones wants to know. He’s pouring himself a drink.

“Everything,” Jim says. He puts the book down and crosses his arms over his chest, leaning against the wall of Bones’ office. “Not like I was there. I mean, yes, obviously like I was there, but more like I was a bystander?”

“Hhmm,” Bones answers and gulps down his whisky. He pours another and one for Jim. Jim doesn’t really want one. He shakes his head and Bones shrugs. “Suit yourself.”

Jim closes his eyes. “It’s not gonna be a problem,” he says.

“I know,” Bones answers.

  
~+~  
He sometimes has the strangest feeling when he is talking to Spock, like they should be closer. He also really wants to apologize to Uhura. He figures he needs to get laid and soon. All this growing up again stuff messed with his brain. There is no denying it.

  
~+~  
He has memories of trying to hold Spock’s hand, of Spock reading him Vulcan poetry and Jim not finding it boring one bit, of Uhura tucking him in, brushing a kiss to his forehead. He doesn’t really feel it, because it is like a really bright picture. A memory that was buried for years and now came back sharp and painful. He knows what he felt then, but can’t feel it now, because the feeling – even if not the memory – faded. It’s still strange. He knows he was in love with Uhura, knows he was in love with Spock. With all his heart, like only children can and with his whole body like only teenagers can, with all the anger and desperation attached to it.

~+~  
Sometimes he pauses what he’s doing and looks at Spock, his hands. He wants to ask why he wasn’t allowed to hold his hand. But that would involve telling Spock he remembers and that is not an option. He doesn’t want anyone to know, except Bones, but Bones is…well, Bones. You can tell your doctor stuff.

~+~  
During a two day shore leave he fucks a Romulan girl. Runs his hands over her dark skin, his tongue over the pointy shell of her ear and doesn’t think about what it means.

~end~


End file.
